just when i thought i could do it….

bikram yoga murdered me yesterday. it was pathetic. my first class during the warm weather…. [victoria seems to be getting a wet season and a dry season, and the transition occurs in the blink of an eye. i can’t believe how much i struggled. it was way harder than my first class. i hit the wall usually reserved for 75 minutes in about 60 minutes in this time. and this one i could not just rest briefly and work my way through. i lay down and every time i would get up and try to practice a posture, the overwhelming, oppressive feeling of bursting into tears and running out of the room would consume me. i know i shouldn’t let myself get defeated, but this is the first time i have seriously thought, can i make myself go back there? sigh.

keith’s parents are coming today to stay with us… i really like them but i think it will be awkward as hell! must go prepare for that.

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bikram, bikram, you evil genius…

attended my third class yesterday. it seems to be somehow getting more difficult. but i believe that is because i have the expectation that it should be getting easier… i mean it’s my third try and it’s not a breeze yet? since it is not getting noticeably easier, especially because i am probably pushing myself slightly harder each time, i find it a bit frustrating. all i wish for is that there is not that point 20 minutes from the end of class where i go FUCK THIS FUCKING SHIT, I CAN’T DO IT ANY MORE! I HATE THIS! NEVER COMING BACK! and i lie through a couple of postures. i am afraid i might never get too a point where i FEEL it is bearable [it obviously IS bearable in reality, because i do not die or run out of the room screaming.] if it is always this tough i don’t know if i have the self-discipline to keep going back. that is the challenge i suppose. it is really the ultimate challenge of willpower to me… obviously everyone struggles at first because it isn’t easy or comfortable. but some of my absolute most hated things in the world are heat, summertime, sweating, etc. i generally avoid these things at all cost. in any case, i have to take at least 20 classes, unless i want to waste a bunch of money… so that should give me enough time to determine whether it really is for me. my neck did not have that strange excruciatingly tight sensation after practice last night, so i must be making a little progress.

i find it amusing how even after i have cooled down, had a shower, i am pouring with sweat for hours after, even if i am cold. it feels like a clean sweat though, in a way, if that makes any sense. i am at least drinking more water than i ever have in my life so that must be a good thing. i should also mention that i feel really, really good today.

the 26 postures aka: 90 minutes of hell

i realized this time there is a clock in the room. which is not a good thing. i held off looking at it as long as i possible could, and finally peeked at 75 minutes into class… those last 15 minutes were the longest.

and i HATE that i am one of those annoying yoga people now. i never wanted to do yoga, but with always trying to keep in mind being anti-trend is just as silly as being trendy, i tried it and found it really is worthwhile. anyway, it’s not like i am forcing yoga on people but whenever i hear people complaining about sore muscles, back problems, i have to mention yoga with the intention of truly helping, because i know how frustrating it is to have chronic pain. i don’t suggest bikram to people even, but i know they must roll their eyes, like i probably would have! i am not trying to spread the gospel of yoga, i am just sick of hearing you complain about sore shoulders!

and i would LOVE to get back to being this tiny!

ah, sweet sweet 2002. actually it sorta sucked and i kinda hated myself… i was an idiot.

the boy with the arab cat.

the weekend was awesome. the only drawback of having a nice place you really want to spend time in, is that leaving that place sucks that much more. i already had a hard enough time dragging myself to work every day!

friday we tried this bbq place that many people have raved about. lucky we had received a gift certificate from the strata, because i was ultimately quite disappointed. nothing about it was bad, but some people are too easily impressed. i love ribs, so it was slightly crushing that they were not the orgasmic, porktastic experience i had anticipated.

saturday our cable was hooked up, i went for a walk, and we made the grave mistake of going to costco. costco on a saturday afternoon is one of the closest places to pure hell i can imagine. i can’t believe i had forgotten this! never again. the traffic going ‘out there’ [aren’t i already there?] was even insane… next saturday afternoon i am staying in! we did come across this neat wine store, it was massive and intimidating so i left right away. but they had such an extensive selection, and a tasting bar, and a fancy vintage room at the back… someday i intend to be educated enough on the subject to go in there and not be completely lost.

sunday was staying in day. lots of mario kart was played, i attempted and somehow failed at doing some yoga on my own, our first chance to watch coronation street in the new place [now it truly does feel like home!] after spending some time with us in our new place, the cat became obviously more comfortable, as did i. i cooked my first dinner in the brand new kitchen, chicken breasts stuffed with apples and brie which i was really looking forward to but i didn’t enjoy as much as i had expected. keith did though, so at least it was not a total waste.

i still haven’t tackled my fear of bikram yoga, saturday i was just not up for a challenge [and to be honest i need to buy a pair of shorts!] and sunday there was no practice happening. i don’t know what i fear… being in that room with all those people, sweating my brains out, stifled breathing, feeling so hot i am going to die, and being too embarrassed to leave! at least then i will have tried it, and know i need to find an alternative for practicing yoga in langford.

tomorrow is my first in car driving lesson. hopefully this is a life long fear i can finally get out of the way. no longer will i have the recurring nightmare that the driver is incapacitated and i have to drive somewhere but don’t know how. story of my life, in a greater sense.