Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

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Goodbye, goodbye.

August 14, 2008

Today is the last day. The last day of a specific chapter of my life. With that comes the end of this blog. I might post some residual stuff but new life will not touch this blog.

New life, new life, terrifying, exciting, happy, sad….

I feel so much I don’t even know what to say.

I feel genuine love for both lives so this can be melancholy at best.

I love you all.

Especially YOU, my best friend, my partner in life, I will never forget you. I must try to look forward but I have never been someone who doesn’t look behind.

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i will fucking post lyrics all i want fuckers

August 13, 2008

Is it wicked not to care when they say that youre mistaken
Thinking hopes and lots of dreams that arent there?
Is it wicked not to care when youve wasted many hours
Talking endlessly to anyone thats there?

I know the truth awaits me
But still I hesitate because of fear

Skipping tickets making rhymes
Is that all that you believe in?
Wearing rags to make you pretty by design
Rusting armour for effect
Its not fun to watch the rust grow
For it will all be over when youre dead

Counting acts and clutching thoughts
By the river where the moss grows
Over rocks the water running all the time
Is it wicked when you smile even though you feel like crying
Even though you could be sick at any time?

But if there was a sequel
Would you love me as an equal?
Would you love me till Im dead

If there was a sequel would you love me like an equal?
Would you love me till Im dead
And if there was a sequel
Would you love me as an equal?
Would you love me till Im dead
Or is there someone else instead?

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i have mixed feelings on this song.

August 11, 2008

If you’re down and confused, and you don’t remember who you’re talkin’ to.
Concentration slips away, ‘cause your baby is so far away.

Well there’s a rose in the fisted glove
and the eagle flies with the dove,
and if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with,

Don’t be angry, don’t be sad, and don’t sit cryin’ over good times you’ve had.
There’s a girl right next to you, and she’s just waitin’ for something to do.

And there’s a rose in the fisted glove
and the eagle flies with the dove,
and if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with,

Turn your heartache right into joy, she’s a girl, and you’re a boy.
Well get it together, make it real nice,
You ain’t gonna need anymore advice.

And there’s a rose in the fisted glove
and the eagle flies with the dove,
and if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with

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all good things.

August 11, 2008

I think I finally understand why I am so sad whenever I see the last episode of TNG.

all good things….

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As long as you’re something to own.

August 11, 2008

I got an ipod. I really have changed. Pineapple Express was good. I have strongly mixed feelings on the Apatow franchise [as well as most things in life if you have not noticed] but this quote I read in a review pretty much encapsulated what I feel about it; “beneficiary of low expectations.” It was kind of painful to go with your best buddy to a buddy comedy, at this particular crossroads we are at.

I hope our roads cross again someday. I really do. No one in my life has ever been so important. But, I am young, I am stupid, I need to take chances, I need to leave the nest. I have broken my own heart. Tragic and immense loss. Mistakes, mistakes I need to make.

There are beads that wrap
Around your knees that crackle into the dark
Like a walk in the park like a hole in your head
Like the feeling you get when you realize you’re dead
This time we ride roller coasters into the ocean
We feel no emotion as we spiral down to the world
And I guess it’s worth your time
Because there’s some lives you live
And some you leave behind
It gets hard to explain
The gardenhead knows my name

Leave me alone, for you know this isn’t the first time
In fact this is twice in a row
That the angels have slipped through our landslide
And filled up our garden with snow
And I don’t wish to taste of your insides
Or to call out your name through my phone
For the glory boys at your bedside will love you
As long as you’re something to own

Follow me through a city of frost covered angels
I swear I have nothing to prove
I just want to dance in your tangles
To give me some reason to move
But to take on the world at all angles
Requires a strength I can’t use
So I’ll meet you up high in your anger
Of all that is hoping and waiting for you

Also, no Street until the 25th. I have been ignoring all signs up until now, but this is pretty damb symbolic of our tragic loss.

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The best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.

August 8, 2008

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!

Getting drunk in your old workplace which has now been converted to a pub is pretty insane. Especially when it’s a heritage building so they have kept a significant portion of the inside the same… Amazing! We were sitting in the nativity area haha. I wish I had a camera… I want to go there and get drunk all the time! I am hoping we will make it a monthly thing. Woo my first facebook event was a success haha. I am still tipsy this morning.. how does that happen? I am much nicer to everyone at work hahahaha.

Oh yea and they played a couple songs from our OPEN ROAD compilation… Brown Eyed Girl! Tear, that song gets me. Open Road was the best cd by far in our collection. But I do have an appreciation for Frank Sinatra thanks to the Christmas Store, hugely, and even ‘Viva Las Vegas’ and ‘The Gambler’ and other songs like that!


Updating this sign every night was my second favourite part of the the job. The first being PERSONALIZING ORNAMENTS. I have this weird thing for penmanship. Decorating trees as your job was pretty sweet too!!!!!!

Grr I hate how wordpress compresses your photos now. Pre-drinking for Sarah’s bachelorette party!

at prism, after my one and only experience at a strip joint. I look funny in this picture.

And Julie… let’s not even go there. SIGHS. Too bad Sarah and Birkley made her a lesbian and she cut her hair… I hope she is alive in France!

At this moment in time I am realizing how weird it is I do not speak with my office mate. I mean, he is a middle aged dude, what do we have to talk about, but I feel like talking to him right now but I also feel I can’t! Strange.

IT IS ONLY 9 AM????? This is going to be a sloooowwww day. I have finally run out of work to do. Haha.

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truth

August 6, 2008

the light blue flickering rhythm
of the neighbor’s big console t.v.
is basking on the ceiling
of another insomniatic spree
and outside sleep’s open window
between the drops of rain
history is writing a recipe book
for every earthly pain

oh to clean up the clutter of echoes
coming in and out of focus
words spoken
like locusts
sing and sing
in my head

and thing is
they often seem
in my memory’s long dream
to be superfluous to
the true story of what was

cause

real is real regardless
of what you try to say
or say away
real is real relentless
while words distract and dismay
words that change their tune
though the story remains the same
words that fill me quickly
and then are slow to drain
dialogues that dither down reminiscent
of the way it likes to rain
every screen
a smoke screen
oh to dream
just for a moment
the picture
outside the frame

then in a flash
the light blue horizon
spanning a sudden black
is sucked into the vanishing point
and quiet rushes back
to search for the downbeat
in a tabla symphony
to search in the darkness
for someone who looks like me

(though i’m not really who i said i was
or who i thought i’d be)

just a collection of recollections
conversations consisting
of the kind of marks we make
when we’re trying to get a pen to work again

a lifetime of them!

i say to me
now here listening
i say to the locusts
that sing and sing to me sitting
now here on the front porch swing of my eyes:
i hereby amend
whatever i’ve ever said
with this sigh

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maybe tomorrow….

August 5, 2008
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You may never let me go

July 31, 2008

And just as the sun sets
Just as we will forget these precious moments
When another day is through
And just as the moon knows
It cannot always glow through every evening
Some days you will find me sleeping

‘Cause I’m on again and off again
I never told you, I never will
‘Cause I’m on again and off again
If I can’t hold you, somebody will

Love is like the ocean
Forever in motion, forever changing
Never twice the same
You may miss me one day
You may wish you hadn’t stayed
You may forget me
You may never let me go

‘Cause I’m on again and off again
I never told you, I never will
‘Cause I’m on again and off again
If I can’t hold you, somebody will

On again and off again
I never told you, I never will
‘Cause I’m on again and off again
If I can’t hold you, somebody will

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Tomorrow

July 31, 2008


I promise to stop loving you tomorrow
Today can be your last day in my arms again
I promise to stop thinking of you constantly
And wishing I could wake up every morning next to you
Darling yes its true
But today can we pretend it’s not too late
I promise to stop dreaming bout you
Promise to stop waiting for your calls
Cause I don’t want to care at all
But maybe just tonight we should forget about what’s right one last time
Because I promise to stop loving you tomorrow
Today will be your last day in my arms again
I promise to stop thinking of you constantly
And wishing I could wake up every morning next to you
Darling yes it’s true
But today can we pretend it’s not too late
Today can we pretend

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Spectacle.

July 31, 2008

You’re always such a spectacle
You said you would
But you never will change
You only do it if I do the same
Love is such a dangerous game
A dangerous game

At first I could see
That you were weak in the knees
Your smile was so rehearsed
When you gave me your t-shirt
On the honeymoon
Where we never left the room
Sometimes I want to go back there
But then I’ll remember
I’ve got to remember

You’re always such a spectacle
Guess it was the best you could do
Your favourite dress for the
world to see through
You spilled your drink but
you didn’t mean to
You’re always such a spectacle
You said would but you never will change
You only do it if I do the same
Love is such a dangerous game
A dangerous game

When you told me this
That wickedness is a myth
That was invented for losers
Cause baby the truth hurts
Baby the truth hurts

Well I thought you were shallow
But then I fell in deep
Why couldn’t you keep it
Our little secret
You’re my only weakness

You’re always such a spectacle
Guess it was the best you could do
Your favourite dress for the
world to see through
You spilled your drink but
you didn’t mean to
Love is such a spectacle
Just when you think it’s
going well for you
Life’s a movie that we sleep through
Every little thing that we do

You’re always such a spectacle
Nothing ever really does change
Cause if you feel it baby
know I feel the same
Love is such a dangerous game
Love is such a dangerous game
A dangerous game

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i do it for the joy it brings.

July 30, 2008

Really wish I remembered to get the new Broken Social Scene Presents: Brendan Canning album before I headed up island via bus. I have a lot of thinking to do. Such a melancholy reflective joy in traveling alone. Even if your fate is annual family camping trip! No, it should be good to be in the woods.

My camera broke! Finally. Good riddance. But now I have no camera. Except the new robot one I got, looking forward to trying it out.

Also, I need a new bathing suit. I am thinking one piece.

Also, I got my nails filled and I got fluorescent pink. It is kind of gross but I just wanted to try it. I have gone insane.

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July 27, 2008

THE STAR TREK EXPERIENCE IN LAS VEGAS IS CLOSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So sad.

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So she built a skycraper of procrastination.

July 24, 2008

what of the mother
whose house is in flames
and both of her children
are in their beds crying
and she loves them both
with the whole of her heart
but she knows she can only
carry one at a time?
she’s choking on the smoke
of unthinkable choices
she is haunted by the voices
of so many desires
she’s bent over from the business
of begging forgiveness
while frantically running around
putting out fires

but then what kind of scale
compares the weight of two beauties
the gravity of duties
or the ground speed of joy?
tell me what kind of gauge
can quantify elation?
what kind of equation
could i possibly employ?

Why am I completely incapable of handling anyone with care?

Been beat up and battered round
Been sent up, and I’ve been shot down
You’re the best thing that Ive ever found
Handle me with care

Reputations changeable
Situations tolerable
Baby, you’re adorable
Handle me with care

I’m so tired of being lonely
I still have some love to give
Wont you show me that you really care

Everybody’s got somebody to lean on
Put your body next to mine, and dream on

I’ve been fobbed off, and I’ve been fooled
I’ve been robbed and ridiculed
In day care centers and night schools
Handle me with care

Been stuck in airports, terrorized
Sent to meetings, hypnotized
Overexposed, commercialized
Hand me with care

Ive been uptight and made a mess
But Ill clean it up myself, I guess
Oh, the sweet smell of success
Handle me with care

I fail, always, always, do not trust me with yourself.

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In the enchanted forest of Amberland.

July 24, 2008

This is kind of how my mind works:

me: “Hmm, these colours are all so beautiful!”
magical talking kitten: “Amber, isn’t that blue beautiful? I really like blue the best. Don’t you?”
me: “Yea, you know what, it IS beautiful! I think I do! I now have an unshakable faith in blue!”
magical talking puppy: “But Amber, check out that green over there. Isn’t it fucking awesome?”
me: “WHOA I never noticed that before! Now that you mention it it might be my favourite…”
magical talking bunny: “Hey Amber, which one do YOU this is beautiful?”
me: “I don’t know, everyone makes pretty convincing stories… and I see the beauty in all!”

It is a confusing way to live.

Yes, in my mind I live in the magical realm of my favourite series of books as a kid.

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My hero

July 24, 2008

Too alarming now to talk about
take your pictures down and shake it out
truth or consequence say it aloud
use that evidence race it around

There goes my hero
watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
he’s ordinary

Don’t the best of them bleed it out
While the rest of them peter out
Kudos my hero leaving all the best
You know my hero the one thats on

I kind of hate listening to the radio all day at work, when there is a lot on my mind… every song seems to be about every thing.

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I don’t care what anyone says..

July 24, 2008

I will always love the song ‘Brian Wilson’ by the Barenaked Ladies.

Drove downtown in the rain nine-thirty on a tuesday night,
Just to check out the late-night record shop.
Call it impulsive, call it compulsive, call it insane,
But when I’m surrounded I just cant stop.

Its a matter of instinct, its a matter of conditioning,
Its a matter of fact.
You can call me pavlov’s dog.
Ring a bell and I’ll salivate. how’d you like that?
Dr. lendy tell me you’re not just a pedagogue,
Cause right now i’m

Lying in bed just like brian wilson did
Well I’m lying in bed just like brian wilson did.

So I’m lying here, just starting at the ceiling tiles.
And I’m thinking about what to think about.
Just listening and relistening to smiley smile,
And I’m wondering if this is some kind of create drought
Because I am

Lying in bed just like brian wilson did
Well I’m lying in bed just like brian wilson did.

And if you want to find me Ill be out in the sandbox,
Wondering where the hell all the love has gone.
Playing my guitar and building castles in the sun,
And singing fun, fun, fun.

Lying in bed just like brian wilson did
Well I’m lying in bed just like brian wilson did.

I had a dream that I was three hundred pounds
And though I was very heavy,
I floated til I couldn’t see the ground
I floated til I couldn’t see the ground
Somebody help me, I couldn’t see the ground
Somebody help me, I couldn’t see the ground
Somebody help me because i’m
Lying in bed just like brian wilson did
Well I’m lying in bed just like brian wilson did.

Drove downtown in the rain nine-thirty on a tuesday night.
Just to check out the late-night record shop.
Call it impulsive, call it compulsive, call it insane;
But when Im surrounded I just cant stop.

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Please tell me who I am…

July 23, 2008

I can’t believe all I have eaten is a muffin today, and that I had to choke down at 2 pm.

Something is seriously, seriously wrong here.

Everything is wrong, and everything is right, in it’s own way… I hate confusion and it seems to be all I am feeling these days.

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

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Important Purchase

July 18, 2008

Check out this sweet camera I bought

Look at the pictures it takes!

And I am OBSESSED with those virility bears or whatever… I don’t even think Jacob brought me back one from Japan!

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Let me take you down, cause I’m going to…

July 16, 2008

“I am going to have my own show. I was perfectly happy being an IT person, but then I decided I needed to bring underprivileged chimps to a sanctuary… and give them guns. Escape to chimp battle eden.”

I wonder if they would be able to grasp it. Only one way to find out.

On another note I think I should insert another first name infront of the rest of my names: ‘Chimp.’