Hey look… I still suck.

I am SO mad at myself for not going out tonight! Oh hey, someone offers me their friendship? Better not call them when I am supposed to. This is why I have no friends. I am still the same dumb old Amber. I have just been in this very homey phase… I guess even though I have been lonely I like loneliness in a way and I have just been enjoying that.

Excited for things to not be boring soon!

No yoga either! I am SO sore. Kill me please! In my mind, it is Keith who drags us down but I am even lazier when he is not here! I will never be bitching about him wanting to stay home again. Haha.

FINALLY listening to Emily Haines. Very good. Much better than Metric I think.

There’s a pattern in the system
There’s a bullet in the gun
That’s why I tried to save you
But it can’t be done

Also I can’t get enough of this stuff. It’s like Asian ketchup to me. I have found it is even good as soup broth haha.

And I don’t really get this. This has been happening for four days and my readership is up, but I wonder why?

Ahh the magic and mystique of the internet.

ps: Who the fuck is Charles Cromer and why is he on my website?

home sweet trashhole.

so… i was GOING to go to yoga today, finally, but then keith offered the option of chinese buffet. regretfully, i chose the buffet. we did vow to never go there again anyway, due to the fact that there was nowhere to look that wasn’t depressing. it reminded me of america [or what i presume america to be having barely been there.] plus be going to a buffet is a pretty big joke because thankfully i get full in about two minutes. actually, being ‘out and about’ in langford today reminded me why i had such negative associations with it from when i lived out here in grade 10. i may have committed suicide if i had to spend grades 11 and 12 here! even as we were in the elevator back to our condo keith said ‘i just want to get out of langford and into our house!’ haha. it serves it’s purpose anyway, and generally when i go out i am pleasantly surprised at the general friendly, non-trash i come across.

in any case, i HAVE TO go to yoga on saturday. tomorrow night i have to go to my mom’s for dinner and sunday i will hopefully be hung over for the first time in quite a while, after brittani’s boyfriend’s birthday. i hate how i am starting to feel like ‘i am so fat, wah wah’ when i have been feeling generally good about myself in recent memory. i blame it on beginning to be aware of my body, as well as seeing all the perfect naked yoga ladies in the change room! in any case, it is really unfortunate, because i seem to be fairly unable to maintain good habits. i will keep trying though! even though i don’t actually control very well what i put into my body, i do think about it, which is strange in the sense that i never did at all before a year or two ago, and now i really think about it.

here are some old pictures [i just unpacked the cord.]

brother

at ferris’…s…s… goddamnit, that is one of those easy grammatical things i will always forget how to do properly and feel like an idiot for. anyway, that soup was amazing, except for it being entirely cilantro-ridden… i hate cilantro so very much. but it has these rice dumplings that were so effing good. that’s right, so good i have to be vulgar and say effing. also i love the mayo sampler you can order with the fries, three different mayos, the thai peanut one is good.

i had to capture the awesomeness of this at the metchosin farmer’s market… because i am mean.

yes, only go out on the strongest note.

the height of entertainment in the…. when is this from? 19th century?

buck 65… before the show started, just before my camera ran out of batteries! so sad.

oh, and in a good note:

Touring musician Buck 65 was ecstatic when he learned yesterday that nearly 100 hours of video footage stolen from his May 8 concert at Alix Goolden Performance Hall has been recovered.

[His manager] said she had almost given up hope the mini-DV tapes would ever be found. Then someone called the office to let her know someone had posted an ad on a Victoria buy-and-sell website for the missing footage.

That someone turned out to be post office employee Steven Sanders, who found a manila envelope filled with the concert footage beside a mailbox on the side of the highway in Colwood. Across the envelope was written “Missing Buck 65 Footage.”

Not knowing who Buck 65 was, Sanders placed the ad with his e-mail address. He also made posters with his son, which he was going to put up around the neighbourhood. Before he had a chance, Sanders got an e-mail from Buck 65’s friends.

“He e-mailed back: ‘Tell me what’s in the envelope and it’s yours,’” Persley said. She then sent him a photo of tapes similar to the stolen ones.

“When the footage was stolen, it was a huge blow against a big effort,” said Persley. “It was big money-wise. There were props, sets, lighting visual effects to create a great show so we could shoot this DVD. It was absolutely irreplaceable and invaluable.”

source: tc

i swear, they must have spent at least like… $350 dollars on that equipment. :P

ah, guilt, my old friend.

i am feeling horribly guilty this week. i just haven’t had the motivation to go to yoga. it is not even as if there is anything i would rather be doing at home. i just haven’t had any energy as of yet… or i am telling myself i don’t have the energy. last night i went to bed at 9.30 with a bad headache and had nightmares. i blame this all on cutting out coffee this week as well. not really but it’s nice to have an excuse other than sheer laziness.

tonight was my first night i actually enjoyed bikram’s. at no point did i have to stop and take a break, at no point did i have my ‘i hate this, i must get out of here’ discussion. i am sure it must have been the nice cool weather this evening, but let’s pretend it’s cause i’m awesome. so excited, i wish it wasn’t going to get crappily hot. i am horrible with my love/hate relationship with summer.

i am so weirdly addicted to soup [when eating out,] tonight i could not get out of dinner before yoga, but i saved most of it for lunch tomorrow. i ordered spicy beef noodle soup at the chinese place, it was really good. really, who am i?

just when i thought i could do it….

bikram yoga murdered me yesterday. it was pathetic. my first class during the warm weather…. [victoria seems to be getting a wet season and a dry season, and the transition occurs in the blink of an eye. i can’t believe how much i struggled. it was way harder than my first class. i hit the wall usually reserved for 75 minutes in about 60 minutes in this time. and this one i could not just rest briefly and work my way through. i lay down and every time i would get up and try to practice a posture, the overwhelming, oppressive feeling of bursting into tears and running out of the room would consume me. i know i shouldn’t let myself get defeated, but this is the first time i have seriously thought, can i make myself go back there? sigh.

keith’s parents are coming today to stay with us… i really like them but i think it will be awkward as hell! must go prepare for that.

bikram, bikram, you evil genius…

attended my third class yesterday. it seems to be somehow getting more difficult. but i believe that is because i have the expectation that it should be getting easier… i mean it’s my third try and it’s not a breeze yet? since it is not getting noticeably easier, especially because i am probably pushing myself slightly harder each time, i find it a bit frustrating. all i wish for is that there is not that point 20 minutes from the end of class where i go FUCK THIS FUCKING SHIT, I CAN’T DO IT ANY MORE! I HATE THIS! NEVER COMING BACK! and i lie through a couple of postures. i am afraid i might never get too a point where i FEEL it is bearable [it obviously IS bearable in reality, because i do not die or run out of the room screaming.] if it is always this tough i don’t know if i have the self-discipline to keep going back. that is the challenge i suppose. it is really the ultimate challenge of willpower to me… obviously everyone struggles at first because it isn’t easy or comfortable. but some of my absolute most hated things in the world are heat, summertime, sweating, etc. i generally avoid these things at all cost. in any case, i have to take at least 20 classes, unless i want to waste a bunch of money… so that should give me enough time to determine whether it really is for me. my neck did not have that strange excruciatingly tight sensation after practice last night, so i must be making a little progress.

i find it amusing how even after i have cooled down, had a shower, i am pouring with sweat for hours after, even if i am cold. it feels like a clean sweat though, in a way, if that makes any sense. i am at least drinking more water than i ever have in my life so that must be a good thing. i should also mention that i feel really, really good today.

the 26 postures aka: 90 minutes of hell

i realized this time there is a clock in the room. which is not a good thing. i held off looking at it as long as i possible could, and finally peeked at 75 minutes into class… those last 15 minutes were the longest.

and i HATE that i am one of those annoying yoga people now. i never wanted to do yoga, but with always trying to keep in mind being anti-trend is just as silly as being trendy, i tried it and found it really is worthwhile. anyway, it’s not like i am forcing yoga on people but whenever i hear people complaining about sore muscles, back problems, i have to mention yoga with the intention of truly helping, because i know how frustrating it is to have chronic pain. i don’t suggest bikram to people even, but i know they must roll their eyes, like i probably would have! i am not trying to spread the gospel of yoga, i am just sick of hearing you complain about sore shoulders!

and i would LOVE to get back to being this tiny!

ah, sweet sweet 2002. actually it sorta sucked and i kinda hated myself… i was an idiot.

the big two-three.

friday i went to bikram again. i was on the fence as to whether to sign up for the 20 classes at 1/3 discount that is only offered when you take your second class. however this old woman who was beside me who looked like she was dying a painful death the whole class [it was her second time too] ended up committing afterwards, so that was the push i needed. i found my second class harder, but i think i may have been pushing myself harder. hopefully it starts getting more enjoyable at some point.

on saturday my brother appeared in town to surprise my mom for mother’s day. we showed up at the farmer’s market she volunteers at every week, and she was indeed very surprised. we went to ferris’ for a late lunch i had this vegetable penne chili chicken soup with rice dumplings…. so good. we walked around downtown, went to my mom’s, tried to decide what we would have for dinner until it got too late to go anywhere so we picked up a bunch of random stuff from thrifty’s and went to my place and my brother made up a plate of appetizers for us. after some drinks, cake, presents, and mario kart, my mom left around one or so and we went to sleep. then up early the next day for the metchosin farmer’s market. when i looked out the window, it looked like a warm, beautiful, sunny day. after getting dressed in a distinctly summery outfit and heading out, i discovered it was bitterly windy. we ended off with a mother’s day brunch at a pub and my brother headed out. my birthday was pretty non-existent, by the time i was done with my family it was dinner time, and my first chance all weekend to relax.

next year my birthday is not on mother’s day! will probably still be a non-event however.

yoga clothes:

is it just me, or can you see everyone’s vag?

bikram was…. interesting. i will hold off on my verdict as i haven’t decided yet. hoping to force myself to attend another session before i come to any conclusions. i do think it aided in my decision to stick with my bran muffin this morning instead of eating multiple free doughnuts.

the boy with the arab cat.

the weekend was awesome. the only drawback of having a nice place you really want to spend time in, is that leaving that place sucks that much more. i already had a hard enough time dragging myself to work every day!

friday we tried this bbq place that many people have raved about. lucky we had received a gift certificate from the strata, because i was ultimately quite disappointed. nothing about it was bad, but some people are too easily impressed. i love ribs, so it was slightly crushing that they were not the orgasmic, porktastic experience i had anticipated.

saturday our cable was hooked up, i went for a walk, and we made the grave mistake of going to costco. costco on a saturday afternoon is one of the closest places to pure hell i can imagine. i can’t believe i had forgotten this! never again. the traffic going ‘out there’ [aren't i already there?] was even insane… next saturday afternoon i am staying in! we did come across this neat wine store, it was massive and intimidating so i left right away. but they had such an extensive selection, and a tasting bar, and a fancy vintage room at the back… someday i intend to be educated enough on the subject to go in there and not be completely lost.

sunday was staying in day. lots of mario kart was played, i attempted and somehow failed at doing some yoga on my own, our first chance to watch coronation street in the new place [now it truly does feel like home!] after spending some time with us in our new place, the cat became obviously more comfortable, as did i. i cooked my first dinner in the brand new kitchen, chicken breasts stuffed with apples and brie which i was really looking forward to but i didn’t enjoy as much as i had expected. keith did though, so at least it was not a total waste.

i still haven’t tackled my fear of bikram yoga, saturday i was just not up for a challenge [and to be honest i need to buy a pair of shorts!] and sunday there was no practice happening. i don’t know what i fear… being in that room with all those people, sweating my brains out, stifled breathing, feeling so hot i am going to die, and being too embarrassed to leave! at least then i will have tried it, and know i need to find an alternative for practicing yoga in langford.

tomorrow is my first in car driving lesson. hopefully this is a life long fear i can finally get out of the way. no longer will i have the recurring nightmare that the driver is incapacitated and i have to drive somewhere but don’t know how. story of my life, in a greater sense.

seymour stein.

the move went perfectly. i kept expecting something to go wrong but everything fell into place. me and keith didn’t even fight about anything. i was kind of worried as with a lot of people, their worst selves can come to the surface when moving. but we work well together even with upheaval.

the new place! it is beautiful. it is smallish but a perfect size for us. i will take pictures soon. it almost feels too good for me at this point in time! having two bathrooms is AMAZING. it doesn’t quite feel like home yet, and last night i realized why i was feeling a bit isolated, and as if i was visiting someone else’s house and feeling a tad uncomfortable. NO CABLE/INTERNET. that is just not natural! by that logic it should feel a little more homey tomorrow.

i have a ticket for stephen malkmus tonight. despite the fact that i had no one to go with, i had every intention of attending by myself, really and truly this time [it's the new amber, remember.] until we moved that is. i have always had issues with being a homebody and preferring to stay home instead, but this is an extreme circumstance! all i want to do is nestle in. it’s going to be a langford weekend, and it’s sad i am excited about that. i actually feel more central than i did when living on pandora ave. although i was essentially downtown, i was in a suburban area with nothing much interesting around. in langford i have a lot of neat stuff within a very short walking distance… even the bikram studio which i must attempt this weekend since i missed yoga this week and my muscles are pissed at me. i am worried it will be my version of hell but i must give it a shot!

in addition, we just got mario kart for the wii so it’s another good reason to avoid “town” at all costs.

life is good. i am a lucky girl.

#&$#%&^%&^#$

it has been a while. my apologies, dear readers. as you can probably imagine i am going through quite a stressful time right now. moving is bad enough but we are currently having issues as to when we take possession… we have to be out of our apartment on the 30th and it seems no one informed us, but we discovered we do not get the keys until noon the next day. hopefully we can figure something out, hopefully the development company is flexible… &#$^$%$

the past week has been terrible enough… SO much to do, it is hard to believe. my cat seems to be stressed out too, i wonder if it ended up at the spca because it’s owners were moving?

anyway, either way, it will all be over in a few days. even though i don’t have the time, i think i am going to make it to yoga tonight anyway, as it’s my last class there and i think i need the relaxation.

i will be back soon!

it’s almost summer, although it really does not seem like it. i can’t wait until this:

night terrors.

as you all probably know, i am used to dealing with a nightmare from time to time. it is another matter entirely trying to recover from a night overflowing with one terrible dream after another, an unceasing parade of horror, fear, sadness. it’s like a wasted sleep. i think i will spend all day in an unfortunate mood.

on the other hand, my body feels amazing, aside from my lower back being slightly more tender than usual. apparently it is without fail that yoga makes my chronic sore neck and shoulder disappear. they feel incomparably relaxed. i wish i could pinpoint exactly what it is that makes them feel so good, and do that every day. in this case, by thursday or so i will be tense again and eagerly awaiting my next practice!

no subject!!

so yoga was…. wow. even though i am sure i was doing everything incorrectly, it was amazing to do something with my body again. it’s strange how years of lethargy can make you so disconnected from your body… it is neat when you’re reminded of that connection. i felt amazingly relaxed afterwards, even the next day. my muscles and my mind. i wish it was more often than once a week! also my bladder control must have improved through the years. and my mom always told me holding my pee would make me incontinent when i got older… that logic always seemed flawed to me. shouldn’t years of practice get me to the point of being the best pee-holder in the world?

i had disturbing dreams last night. i was in a forest with someone else, i am pretty sure it was keith. we were running away from nazis along with a bunch of other people. they caught all the other people. we were hiding in a box. i heard a nazi say “well, no more here, let’s burn this area down.” so we had to decide whether to burn to death or make a run for it, most likely falling victim to death-by-nazi. we ended up running and we got away! then i was suddenly in vancouver, hiding/running from my brother who wanted me to go shoe-shopping. i think the moral of the story is that my brother is a shopping nazi.

he’s gonna get you!!

cat ass to mouth

yoga today. i will let you know if i end up peeing myself or not.

i barely feel like i had a weekend. young drivers all day on saturday, out for lunch with former coworkers on sunday, and the rest of the weekend spent frantically trying to get our place ready for people to be shown through. i am going to be really boring here over the next month. very out of the ordinary, i know. although it really doesn’t seem to make much difference how much or how little effort i put into this site, how interesting or boring it gets, i still get no comments. i know you creepy stalkers are out there, watching, waiting…. or else i just get a huge amount of traffic from people looking up pornographic things on google and getting really bitter when they reach my blog.

a little too relaxed.

i think i might have such negative associations with yoga because my one memory of it is attending a class with my best friend and her mom when i was four or five or something. i peed all over my popples towel. i didn’t say anything but my unusual level of moisture must have been noticed on the car ride home. i hope i don’t pee my pants this time.

nearly twenty years later… [the girl on the left didn't age so well.]