night terrors.

as you all probably know, i am used to dealing with a nightmare from time to time. it is another matter entirely trying to recover from a night overflowing with one terrible dream after another, an unceasing parade of horror, fear, sadness. it’s like a wasted sleep. i think i will spend all day in an unfortunate mood.

on the other hand, my body feels amazing, aside from my lower back being slightly more tender than usual. apparently it is without fail that yoga makes my chronic sore neck and shoulder disappear. they feel incomparably relaxed. i wish i could pinpoint exactly what it is that makes them feel so good, and do that every day. in this case, by thursday or so i will be tense again and eagerly awaiting my next practice!

invasion 1

i had another invid dream for some reason last night. i haven’t even watched robotech since around the last time i dreamed of them. i think they are just a general embodiment of a large, powerful, evil and mysterious force. once again, we were in the forest, which was dangerous territory. we had to get back within the city walls to attain relative safety. this time, it was the lovely choice between committing suicide before the invid came to invade, or getting vaporized by their imposed apocalypse. in grade 10 or so i had a dream about getting vaporized in the apocalypse. it was pretty unpleasant, an overwhelming sadness at the impending doom gripped me and once it arrived, well i think that is the closest i have come to feeling death. so as to avoid this unpleasant situation this time around, i was trying to advocate the suicide route. people were really dawdling around, not wanting to decide. finally i was like ‘well it’s too late now guys, good job. fire storm it is.’ around this point i became aware, not fully that it was a dream, but that i had power to control the destiny of the story. i thought ‘it’s far-fetched, but maybe i can just say that the invid became nice and decided to be friends instead of obliterating civilization.’ and it worked! then we had giant robotic friends. i never did fully trust them though, those shady mechanized alien units.

no subject!!

so yoga was…. wow. even though i am sure i was doing everything incorrectly, it was amazing to do something with my body again. it’s strange how years of lethargy can make you so disconnected from your body… it is neat when you’re reminded of that connection. i felt amazingly relaxed afterwards, even the next day. my muscles and my mind. i wish it was more often than once a week! also my bladder control must have improved through the years. and my mom always told me holding my pee would make me incontinent when i got older… that logic always seemed flawed to me. shouldn’t years of practice get me to the point of being the best pee-holder in the world?

i had disturbing dreams last night. i was in a forest with someone else, i am pretty sure it was keith. we were running away from nazis along with a bunch of other people. they caught all the other people. we were hiding in a box. i heard a nazi say “well, no more here, let’s burn this area down.” so we had to decide whether to burn to death or make a run for it, most likely falling victim to death-by-nazi. we ended up running and we got away! then i was suddenly in vancouver, hiding/running from my brother who wanted me to go shoe-shopping. i think the moral of the story is that my brother is a shopping nazi.

he’s gonna get you!!

so old.

so i woke up this morning with my neck worse than it was last week. anyone who heard me ‘oww!’ing and ‘ooh!’ing in the shower this morning would have laughed, which would have been incredibly cruel as i was/am in intense pain. of course i am obviously stressed; i wonder if it was actual physical exertion, or just the associated stress that has done this to me? also i had nightmares so unspeakably disturbing i cannot even share their events. i wonder if this was due to me being in pain while i was asleep and it manifesting in my subconscious, or if it was the dream that cause me to toss and turn to the point of neck injury?

in any case, i am so looking forward to the masseuse on monday. even though it hurts more after for a day or so, it feels so unbelievably good at the time.

i am not too upset about the neck situation impeding my efficiency at packing and cleaning; i will do what i can do and no more [or so i like to tell myself.] but i was supposed to go out and have a good time for brittani’s birthday on saturday night… if i can’t take this bi-yearly opportunity to actually dance i will be kind of disappointed.

at least i got an email from my aunt telling me how bad she feels she did not come over to help in the process, and how i am the greatest daughter of all time for stepping up and going above and beyond. [not that that helps the job be done any more, but at least people recognize when i am doing things i don't have to.]  i have a funny feeling i won’t be receiving a similar email from my brother, who likes to take every chance he can to guilt me when i am not what he deems a good family member.

jan 28th/29th dream.

i was in montreal. at a movie theatre, and for some reason everyone inside was asian. the cute-ish asian serving me at the refreshment bar was really nice to everyone of the same race around her but was rude to me, barely acknowledging me, even going so far as to spill nacho ‘cheese’ on my shirt sleeve. needless to say i was enraged, and tried to take note of her name tag but alas she did not have one. i went to the theatre, alone, sitting in the front row. the film was eastern promises and that horrid michael rappaport was the star. expectedly, it was terribly shitty. just as many people decided the film was terrible and decided to leave, it ended in some stupid inconclusive [haha me: what do you call something that like... has no conclusion? keith: inconclusive] way. i left the theatre and went and complained to the asian owners. they were very mad at their daughter and poured hot butter all over her. they then gave her a banana and said ‘we shall never speak of this again. she said ’speak of what?’ and ate her banana.

i went outside, still alone, to try and get home. it was slushy outside and i slid on the sidewalk, bumping into a passing occupied taxi. there were two passing uber insane hipster dudes, and i said ’sorry’ as i think i also bumped into one of them. they said ‘that’s okay.’ they were trying to no avail to hail a taxi cab along the street. ‘i think we should try to get the bus, you can’t hail taxis here.’ one said to the other. ‘the metro station is a few blocks up that way!’ i informed them. ‘we know that… we live here.’ they said, judging me in their uber insane hipster dude way. ‘oh, sorry.’ i apologized again. ‘you said sorry before… god… is that all you say?’

does this mean i am racist and insecure… or something?

the street part seventy-two.

yes, finally the liam connor dream i desired. [well sort of.] me and him and his brother paul were making a very dramatic escape through an urban setting to avoid an asian gang that was after us. we were trying to figure out what movie hero would be the best to aid us. i was saying “we could go the route of spiderman or batman and all that crap… or maybe that guy from the matrix?” as i have not seen the matrix it turned out after we called them their style or projectile cyber-fighting involved too many innocent casualities. there was mention of us having been intimate and although that didn’t provide quite the “mindfuck” i had desired, at least i know my dream-self is good for it and can pull that shit.

the street

i’ve never woken up from a nightmare shouting before. before sunday morning that is. when you hear about the terror i witnessed in my mind’s eye you will understand.

sending out an s.o.s.

so, last night was the third or fourth since returning from vancouver that i dreamed of staying in a hotel in a remote destination. [at least two involved brutal murders... but i am pretty sure that is a separate freaky issue entirely.] i am fairly sure i need a vacation. one is being booked for december… only a year away!