Hey look… I still suck.

I am SO mad at myself for not going out tonight! Oh hey, someone offers me their friendship? Better not call them when I am supposed to. This is why I have no friends. I am still the same dumb old Amber. I have just been in this very homey phase… I guess even though I have been lonely I like loneliness in a way and I have just been enjoying that.

Excited for things to not be boring soon!

No yoga either! I am SO sore. Kill me please! In my mind, it is Keith who drags us down but I am even lazier when he is not here! I will never be bitching about him wanting to stay home again. Haha.

FINALLY listening to Emily Haines. Very good. Much better than Metric I think.

There’s a pattern in the system
There’s a bullet in the gun
That’s why I tried to save you
But it can’t be done

Also I can’t get enough of this stuff. It’s like Asian ketchup to me. I have found it is even good as soup broth haha.

And I don’t really get this. This has been happening for four days and my readership is up, but I wonder why?

Ahh the magic and mystique of the internet.

ps: Who the fuck is Charles Cromer and why is he on my website?

sleep number = sexy

ps: i hate my touchpad; that is seriously the best i could do for a ’straight line.’

this inner time is our wife

i really want to be more interesting on this site, but i feel this undeniable barrier, this inability to write about anything truly relevant or poignant in my life. i have been burned in the past and am now shy to expressing on the internet anything of value, anything that truly touches my own heart. this isn’t quite the writing outlet i had hoped for, when all i am able to share is the banalities [this is now a word] of normal life. i wanted to touch on something of beauty, to let my fingers lightly graze rare moments of truth, but it’s impossible. i wish, i wish… i wish i had somewhere to write where i could truly share myself. i wonder if there are any anonymous blogs where one can present their writing, their souls unfiltered.

i am addicted to reading these days. this weekend was spent mostly on the balcony, more often than not with a drink in hand, voraciously reading. i started reading ‘the time traveler’s wife’ which celeste recommended to me. i think she is like me in the sense that she generally does not make recommendations, without being certain of someone’s taste it can often feel imposing to suggest something they might like. how adament she was about this book, how much it seemed to touch her, how she could not put it down, i should have had high expectations. indeed, i have not been able to put it down either. i keep trying to pace myself, ‘no more until tomorrow, amber’ but am failing miserably. i know it will be one of those books i don’t want to end. in this case i will just have to do what celeste did, and read it again!

“It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays.

I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way.

I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I’m tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that’s been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?

Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?”

damned indeed.

one of my favourite things about this useless blog is amusing myself with search engine terms people use to find me.

i like that.

Yesterday

Search	Views
spanking audio	3
“never build a building till you’re fifty, what kind of life is that?”	1
shorty in the club	1
i am looking for perfect selfishness	1
did i make a mistake naming my daughter	1

people search for some funny shit. i guess if people saw what i looked up, they would also find it amusing.

cat ass to mouth

yoga today. i will let you know if i end up peeing myself or not.

i barely feel like i had a weekend. young drivers all day on saturday, out for lunch with former coworkers on sunday, and the rest of the weekend spent frantically trying to get our place ready for people to be shown through. i am going to be really boring here over the next month. very out of the ordinary, i know. although it really doesn’t seem to make much difference how much or how little effort i put into this site, how interesting or boring it gets, i still get no comments. i know you creepy stalkers are out there, watching, waiting…. or else i just get a huge amount of traffic from people looking up pornographic things on google and getting really bitter when they reach my blog.

spanking audio.

almost every day people visit my blog by typing this into their search engine. i get a lot of other pretty amazing ones. people must be so disappointed when they arrive here… suckers!

instead they get this:

blog-ccess[blog success]

i think for my site to be slightly more interesting, i need to showcase more of who i am… more pictures and insights on my own life. however there is something holding me back from being that superweblogallstar that i was a few years ago. when your best friend at the time tells you you have degraded to the point of being a shallow, empty-headed cam-whore, it is hard to ever let yourself tend towards those leanings again. we have since made up, and i hope some of that was said from a place of being hurtful as opposed to completely true. besides, i am really getting to the point where other people’s opinions of me are becoming less and less important. but for some reason, that always sticks in the back of my mind. i hope i can once again let go and just be ‘me’ on the internet, be open and post what i choose and not care who stumbles upon it. until then, i shall just be boring.

it is funny how that works… i feel much more comfortable in my own skin these days as far as the real world goes. however when it comes to the internet i just can’t share like i used to.

perhaps it’s just growing up. feeling less desperate for those i do not know to understand me because i am lucky enough to have people in my real life who do.

how far we’ve come.

happy one week blog-aversary, readers. my goal is to keep updating daily, interesting or not, and whether or not a soul reads it. i have been sadly lacking in anything even remotely resembling a creative outlet for a while, and this will have to be it.

to prove i am serious, here is the cookie monster.

oh, and i finally finished watching season one of rome, and i have to say i am quite disappointed the final episode was not one big incestuous orgy [before the killing of caeser.] shit i ruined the end!