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hiking.

sunday went on a hike. here are pictures of my neighbourhood. [well, you know, near it.] it is nice to live where there is a fair amount of trees.

you can see my house

the amount of room there is for, and inevitability of, development kind of freaks me out.

these look like succulents. for some reason i didn’t really realize succulents grew in this climate.

missed connections.

Trekkie Girl, Serious Coffee, Fisgard & Blanshard – m4w – 32 (Delta Quadrant)

Date: 2008-05-19, 11:23AM PDT

I want to say, you’re beautiful and have a great sense of humor. If he’s your b/f, he’s one lucky clod.

since that one last year that definitely was me [not this one,] i now like to think all missed connections on craigslist are directed at me.

this inner time is our wife

i really want to be more interesting on this site, but i feel this undeniable barrier, this inability to write about anything truly relevant or poignant in my life. i have been burned in the past and am now shy to expressing on the internet anything of value, anything that truly touches my own heart. this isn’t quite the writing outlet i had hoped for, when all i am able to share is the banalities [this is now a word] of normal life. i wanted to touch on something of beauty, to let my fingers lightly graze rare moments of truth, but it’s impossible. i wish, i wish… i wish i had somewhere to write where i could truly share myself. i wonder if there are any anonymous blogs where one can present their writing, their souls unfiltered.

i am addicted to reading these days. this weekend was spent mostly on the balcony, more often than not with a drink in hand, voraciously reading. i started reading ‘the time traveler’s wife’ which celeste recommended to me. i think she is like me in the sense that she generally does not make recommendations, without being certain of someone’s taste it can often feel imposing to suggest something they might like. how adament she was about this book, how much it seemed to touch her, how she could not put it down, i should have had high expectations. indeed, i have not been able to put it down either. i keep trying to pace myself, ‘no more until tomorrow, amber’ but am failing miserably. i know it will be one of those books i don’t want to end. in this case i will just have to do what celeste did, and read it again!

“It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays.

I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way.

I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I’m tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that’s been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?

Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?”

general admission.

i think i am getting too old for general admission shows. although, there is something about being crammed up against other sweaty bodies, moving with the pulse of the crowd. but when you’re short, it it especially difficult. any way, next time i hope there are seats.

i prefer matt good as an acoustic artist, but it is also pretty awesome to be shouting along to everything is automatic… it’s like i am 15 again.

okami.

See, in order to use the Celestial Brush, you must press and hold the B button on the Wii Remote and then press and hold the A button to get the brush to make contact with its canvas, which works just fine. Where things broke down for us was when we tried to draw anything, because simply drawing a straight line wasn’t enough for whatever finicky image recognition function was responsible for translating our scribbles into actionable instructions. Either the game wasn’t recognizing our brush strokes properly or the Wii Remote was obstructing us from executing the brush strokes in a way the game could understand as a command, but the end result was an endlessly frustrating ordeal of trying and retrying the simple task of drawing a line with the Remote.

We are quick to point out that these problems could most likely be ironed out by the time the game gets to you, and indeed the rest of the game seems to be totally intact. If a release delay is required to fix the control problems, then we wholeheartedly welcome a delay, because to deliver this game with anything short of flawless controls would do a disservice not only to the game itself, but also those Wii gamers that have yet to enjoy the enchanting experience of Okami.

well i am glad it’s not just me. i bought this game on the weekend and as soon as i started playing it i knew it would be a new favourite. however as soon as i got to a point in the game where i had to master offensive moves, i failed miserably. i can’t tell you how long it took me to draw a fucking straight line! it killed me. i was almost hoping it was just me, and that i would be able to overcome, but it seems not. how can a game get 9.5 on gameplay with such a glaring flaw?

it is such a cool game, i am kind of disheartened. i thought it had the potential to be the first video game i could actually get into in a very long time. mostly cause you are a sweet wolf. haha

this would be way better if it was a spitz/eskimo/samoyed etc

whenever i am in a less than excellent mood, i should always remember to go to youtube!

this might be the world’s cutest puppy

actually, this one might be

i am pretty sure i saw this exact montage on afv.

my cat’s true love:

i LOVE this one… cat conversation. my cat needs a cat friend.

this woman is fucking insane.

AWW!

touch me, babe.

today my favourite yoga instructor, when i was talking to her after class, was looking at the tattoo on my arm. as i told her what it was she absorbed and touched it with her finger. it was kind of weird, it struck me how little we touch each other. and how if she wasn’t a beautiful woman who i had a sense of admiration for, i probably wouldn’t want her touching me. my favourite retired coworker sometimes hugs me at work on occasion when he is in, that is about it. i appreciate when he does it, because he is a very sweet old guy although i get this feeling he is doing it for less than noble reasons.

matt good friday. ha. getting drunk with sarah and going. we get drunk about twice a year together. i miss her, my high school best friend.

on meth at the mall. well she wasn’t, but i was. i miss being fun and wacky!

dreams of dubai.

i have this thing about dubai. ever since i was watching a show about 7 years ago, about the world’s most luxurious hotels, burj al arab in dubai being #1 on the list. i don’t know what it is, i suppose this hotel, this city, is the pinnacle of this outrageous sense of luxury and extravagance, something i have never experienced before, and apparently long to for some disgusting reason.

anyway, here is another needlessly grandiose thing dubai is bringing to the world that most of the world including me will never be able to afford;

check out the video!

george carlin died. i heard that on the radio on the way to work this morning. i was already having a bad morning, i wasn’t feeling well at all last night, i took forever to get to sleep. eventually got up and ate a pepto bismol tablet, but mostly just let it dissolve in my mouth because i didn’t want to get it in my teeth. when i woke up this morning, still was not feeling well, got in the shower, spat out dark brown. that’s kind of weird… got out of the shower, looked at my tongue, it was completely dark brown. i remembered one time getting drunk on rum and cokes and puking up like BLACK, so i thought ‘did i somehow vomit in my mouth in my sleep, after the one coke i had at 4 pm yesterday?’ that made absolutely no sense so i came to the conclusion i was dying inside. however when i got to work, i read that pepto bismol can give you the morning black tongue, that was a huge relief. in any case, still a crappy day. i have never been a huge george carlin fan, i mean i like him as everyone else did. but i guess it kind of struck me as especially sad because he always reminded me of my father. so if my father did not have hepetitis, i would have 16 years to work with to get up the nerve to make my peace. i wonder how much time i have as it is?

and now i am listening to the moonlight sonata which is really uplifting my spirits and pulling me out of my sense of mourning. ha.

i am lucky though, i got an email this morning, keith asking me if i would like to try the korean place near his work for dinner tonight. ‘just to be nice and say thanks to my insanely sweet buddy, my treat of course,’ don’t know what i’d do without the bastard.

let’s go away for a while, you and i….

vacation, vacation, i need a vacation! sometime around canada day keith is getting six days in a row off from work… he will be driving home to the lake for an informal reunion. while i hope he has fun i am so jealous, i need some time off and somewhere to go. it will be neat to get the place to myself for the first time ever, but this will be much more isolating than last year i believe, due to our current location. it will be such a pain to get to and from work, and i can’t even drop by downtown for pho after work or anything!

supposedly we will be going to mexico in september, but that is so far away, and as we have never been on vacation before i find it a bit hard to believe until it happens. summer is a really busy and stressful time at my workplace, no one is really allowed to take time off. i need some time!!! this time last year i was on that mystical mysterious leave from work… amazing.

i need to go to tofino for the weekend or SOMETHING….

someone come and take me a way!

Let’s go away for a while.
You and I to a strange and distant land.
Where they speak no word of truth.
But we don’t understand, anyway.

Holiday
Far away.
To stay
On a Holiday
Far away.

Let’s go today
In a Heartbeat!

Don’t bother to pack your bags
Or your map.
We won’t need them where we’re goin’.
We’re goin’ where the wind is blowin’
Not knowin’ where we’re gonna stay.

We will write a postcard to our

Friends and family in free verse.
(On the road with Kerouac)
(Sheltered in his Bivouac)
(On this road we’ll never die.)

[mao has a wicked sense of humor stolen from jasonshogreen.com]
[no i don't smoke anymore.]

oh man, i almost forgot i had a myspace impostor one time so i had to send them this photo….

that is hilarious. i was a somebody. bahaha

i know this is one of those so annoying things, but i was looking at pictures from when celeste was here and i would really like to lose some weight! granted, anyone looks like a megabeast beside celeste, but i think now is a good time to work towards a body i would prefer a little more. maybe i am brainwashed, but to me it is not about bending towards other people’s ideal, but my own personal preferences in what i find attractive. damnit! but this is the time i am determined to accomplish things, i am no longer all winge with no action amber, so might as well start/continue here.

star star

star star teach me how to shine
shine
teach me so i know
what’s going on in your mind

i LOVE finding new music!!! i go on huge obsessive binges of music…right now obsessed with the frames/glen hansard

that’s right, i was badass.

i came across a letter today that my mom made me write to safeway after i was caught shoplifting. i find it pretty amusing.

Dear Safeway,

My Name is Amber____. Wednesday, January 30 I attempted to steal a soda and some toothpaste from your fine establishment. I got caught. I just wanted to say I am sorry and I know with every fibre of my physical and moral being that it was wrong. It was a stupid mistake to try and shoplift, and I have learned my lesson. I want to say again that I am sorry. To try to make it up to your company, I will be sure to refer you to my friends whenever they are looking to purchase any household cleansers, personal hygiene items, fine baked goods, fresh cut meats, or delectable aged cheeses.

Sincerely,

Amber _____

keith thought i sounded like a suck up, but i attempted and i think achieved to be pretty damned tongue-in-cheek!

dispel the clouds which hang over our brows and take up a little life into our pores.

I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately.
I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life…to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
~Henry David Thoreau

dead poet’s society was one of those things that deeply affected me as a child and i always hoped i would live life following that code and no other. i am finally starting to live life like that, not nearly as much as i could but i am working on it. it frustrates me when those i love do not ’seize the day’ but you can’t convey something like that to anyone. it must be an organic process.

in that vein i would really like to spend more time outside this summer. there is something amazing about nature that it is so easy to forget about in this life traveling from box to box on paved stretches… you forget there is this whole other side to life that is far more alive than any amusement park or mall you could go to. i can’t remember when the last time i was alone with my thoughts within nature. i really hope when i am older i have a cabin i can get away to when i get these desires… if not perhaps living in the country full time. a few years ago i don’t think i would have considered not living in the city… i guess i am slightly returning to my hippie leanings, if only with that deep-seated desire in all hippies to ‘move to the country.’

i have always been a bit scared to read walden for some reason.

The greater part of what my neighbors call good I believe in my soul to be bad,
and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behavior.
What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?

an aside; i am getting kind of sick of the word ‘hope’…. ‘hope’ insinuates a living within one’s own mind that i have spent my life up until now doing.

If you have built castles in the air,
your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.
Now put the foundations under them.

so like who wants to do lsd with me in a park?

being an adult is soooo boring and not at all what i envisioned.

taking applications here for new bffff..ff..f.

shouldn’t life be more like this? maybe that’s why i always enjoyed recreational drugs in the past… life becomes more magical.

here are some other old pictures i came across.

low brow to be sure, but a classic.

sigh… the bon temps. some of the bonnest.

a sarah original.

in ode to this of course:

i am pretty sure he was creeped out in actual fact. not so much the fact i was there, but first in line possibly?

aww, my second favourite pet sambuca/sam. [cat=first.] i took him to school in my pocket. he died of cancer.

the only true love in this world is that of two rikers.

i was pretty awesome. fleece pants!

i only show such a scantily clad picture… because physically/mentally i am quite a different person! i kind of want to smack myself for hating myself back then. if only i had confidence in my youth i think things may have gone a lot differently. then again that person is who i was, and why i am who i am now. good/bad? impossible to say impartially.

i also just found the most disgustingly vain shitty webcam collage of myself that i want to share cause it’s hilarious but it makes me hate myself too much. those times were funny… cover up extreme insecurity with equally as radical “vanity.”

i always feel honored in some unbeknownst way when i am entering a cheque numbered 1337

you’re the hooves that lead me through the forest.

baroque pop: a genre of music from the 60s that i enjoy but didn’t realize it had a specific name, was a specific genre. i did learn this upon discovering a new band [again: i love you npr! i have found it impossible up until now to effectively find new music.] i always loved the harmonies of crosby, stills, nash and young, simon and garfunkel, the beach boys, the zombies, etc. there is a band called fleet foxes from seattle who channel a lot of that… yay new music to listen to.

fleet foxes

also: i kind of like this song, by an acoustic band called the bowerbirds.

there is also a fairly amazing concert featuring glen hansard and marketa irglova with music from the movie once

it is pretty magical, maybe the music just speaks to me, sometimes nothing beats the straightforward simplicity of the timeless tale of a boy and a girl. they must be planning another cd together because there were quite a few great songs they played that are not released. they make me feel like a lovesick teenager. SIGH.

if you want me
satisfy me

and for some reason the postal service and death cab for cutie in general piss me off, but here is an acoustic show with their lead singer… i am such an absolute sucker for acoustic shows.

conspiracies are fun.

isn’t life way more fun when you pretend that the masons/illuminati are real? my former boss used to confess to me these huge conspiracies, including first-hand witness accounts of lizard people morphing their way into the mason’s temple aka the beehive woolshop on douglas. there is an advertised mason’s lodge near my house and it is so run down in appearance and one time they were having this teen dance… it was kind of sad. IF I AM DEAD TOMORROW YOU KNOW WHY.

it’s time that we grow old and do some shit.

this weekend ended up being great. some much needed nestling. i know nesting may be the right term here, but that pisses me off, possibly because it insinuates eggs. bought a bunch of stuff for the house today, a small bbq, chairs for the deck, a mirror, a framed picture, this is it i think. nice to spend the weekend at home, attempted to finally ‘move in’ but ended up making a huge mess that still hasn’t been cleaned up. must be by friday as celeste arrives!

i don’t think i really like sitting on that stump.

yes, we still have times that good, believe it or not. with fewer puppy surprises/trolls. i was a bit surprised too when i saw her last summer! i am really looking forward to seeing her. we are going to watch the movie ‘once’ as we have both heard very good things about it. and she is into musical theatre [to a professional  degree], so i am sure she will like it. it is amazing we get along after all these years. i think you choose your friends for a reason, even back then.

wow i just noticed my amazing 100 dalmations outfit in that last photo.

i wish the work week was not impending… i think i really need a new  job. i am thinking september may bring such a thing.